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European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.
In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this willmake the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
Men Are Just Happier People
Your last name stays put.
Your garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000:Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
LOCUL 5
Un tip da o spargere la un magazin. Dupa ce a luat toti banii, hotul a vazut o sticla de Scotch pe un raft si i-a cerut vanzatorului s-o bage si pe aceasta in punga. Vanzatorul a refuzat, motivand ca nu crede ca hotul are varsta legala pentru a-i putea da alcool. Hotul a insistat ca are varsta, insa vanzatorul a replicat ca de fiecare data ca nu-l crede fara dovezi. Drept urmare hotul a scos permisul auto si i l-a aratat vanzatorului pentru a-si dovedi varsta. Tipul a studiat bine actul, dupa care a recunoscut ca nu are dreptate si i-a dat hotului sticla. Dupa ce hotul a parasit magazinul, vanzatorul a sunat la politie si le-a dat acestora numele si adresa din permis. Hotul a fost arestat doua ore.
LOCUL 4
Un automobilist a fost prins de un radar care i-a inregistrat viteza si i-a fotografiat si masina. A primit apoi prin posta o amenda de 40$ si o fotografie a masinii. In loc sa plateasca, automobilistul a trimis la politie o poza cu 40$. Cateva zile mai tarziu, a primit o scrisoare de la politie care continea o alta fotografie, de data aceasta fiind fotografiata o pereche de catuse.
Soferul nostru a achitat imediat amenda.
LOCUL 3
Este o poveste adevarata din San Francisco: Un barbat care vroia sa jefuiasca Bank of America a intrat intr-o sucursala si a scris pe o foaie de depozit: “Acesta este un jaf armat. Pune toti banii in aceasta punga”. In timp ce astepta la coada pentru a da biletul discret functionarului, s-a gandit ca cineva l-ar fi putut vedea in timp ce scria biletul si ar fi putut anunta politia. Drept urmare, a iesit din banca si a intrat in sucursala bancii Wells Fargo de peste drum. Dupa ce a ajuns la ghiseu, i-a dat nota functionarului, care i-a raspuns ca nu poate da curs cererii deoarece mesajul este scris pe un bilet al Bank of America, si ca trebuie ori sa scrie mesajul pe
un bilet Wells Fargo ori sa se intoarca la Bank of America. Dezarmat, tipul a zis doar “OK” si a plecat. A fost arestat cateva minute mai tarziu, in timp ce statea la coada in sucursala Bank of America.
LOCUL 2
La inceputul acestui an, cativa angajati ai firmei Boeing s-au hotarat sa fure o barca de salvare pneumatica de la un Boeing 747. Au reusit sa o scoata din avion si sa o aduca acasa. La putin timp dupa aceea, au plecat intr-o excursie pe rau. Nu a trecut mult si au observat un elicopter al Pazei de Coasta care survola imprejurimile. Se pare ca semnalul radio de urgenta incorporat in astfel de barci a pornit automat atunci cand s-a umflat… Nu mai este nevoie sa mentionam ca respectivii nu mai lucreaza la Boeing.
LOCUL 1
Un student la medicina care efectua practica intr-un centru de toxicologie povesteste cum ca a fost sunat la un moment dat de o doamna foarte panicata care i-a spus ca si-a surprins fiica mancand furnici. Studentul a linistit-o, spunandu-i ca furnicile totusi nu sunt toxice si ca nu este nevoie sa o aduca pe fetita la spital. Calmata, doamna i-a mai povestit ca oricum luase masuri, si ca-i daduse copilului otrava pentru furnici, pentru a omori insectele pe care aceasta le inghitise deja. A fost momentul in care studentul i-a spus s-o aduca imediat la spital…
SI MARELE PREMIU:
Stire la radio: un pasionat de bungee-jumping a sarit de la 30 m cu o coarda elastica de 60 m.
Iata ce se intampla cand presedintele SUA este ales intr-un an cu “0″ la sfarsit. Se repeta la fiecare 20 de ani.
1840: William Henry Harrison (a murit in biroul sau)
1860: Abraham Lincoln (asasinat)
1880: James A. Garfield (asasinat)
1900: William McKinley (asasinat)
1920: Warren G. Harding (a murit in biroul sau)
1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (a murit in biroul sau)
1960: John F. Kennedy (asasinat)
1980: Ronald Reagan (a supravietuit unei incercari de asasinare)
2000: George W. Bush (a supravietuit dupa ce sa incecat cu un pretzel)
Dar asta nu e tot. Acum devine din ce in ce mai interesant. Rugati un profesor de istorie sa va explice daca poate.
Abraham Lincoln a fost ales in Congres in 1846.
John F. Kennedy a fost ales in Congres in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln a fost ales presedinte in 1860.
John F. Kennedy a fost ales presedinte in 1960.
Amandoi erau preocupati mai ales de drepturile omului.
Ambele sotii si-au pierdut copiii pe vremea cand traiau la Casa Alba.
Ambii presedinti au fost impuscati intr-o vineri.
Ambii presedinti au fost impuscati in cap.
Acum devine chiar ciudat.
Pe secretara lui Lincoln o chema Kennedy.
Pe secreatra lui Kennedy o chema Lincoln.
Amandoi au fost asasinati de Sudisti.
Amandoi au fost urmati de sudisti numiti Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, care a fost presedinte dupa Lincoln, s-a nascut in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, care a fost presedinte dupa Kennedy, s-a nascut in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, care l-a asasinat pe Lincoln, s-a nascut in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, care l-a asasinat pe Kennedy, s-a nascut in 1939.
Ambii asasini sunt cunoscuti pentru ca au trei nume.
Ambele nume sunt compuse din 15 litere.
Acum tine-te bine.
Lincoln a fost impuscat la teatrul ‘Ford’.
Kennedy a fost impuscat intr-o masina ‘Lincoln’ facuta de ‘Ford’.
Booth si Oswald au fost asasinati inainte de procesele lor.
Ce coincidenta!
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.
IN PRISON……….you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
AT WORK…………you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON………you get three meals a day.
AT WORK………..you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON……….you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK…………you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON……….the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK…………you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON……….you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK………..you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON………you get your own toilet.
AT WORK……….you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.
IN PRISON……….they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK…………you aren’t even supposed to speak to your family.
IN PRISON………all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK…………you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON……….you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ………..you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON ………you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK………..they are called managers.
One day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your >>house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give >>you a life span of twenty years.
The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years >>and I’ll give you back the other ten?”
So God agreed.
On the next day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?”
And God agreed.
On the next day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
God agreed again.
Then on the next day, God created man and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But man said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. The last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you. Have a long and happy one!
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”
- This from Ktha
The US standard railroad gauge (width between the two rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
Because that’s the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.
Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.
Why did “they” use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that’s the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots first formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse’s ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses. Thus, we have the answer to the original question.
When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.
The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses’ behinds.
So, the major design feature of what is arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s ass!
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